The tidal wave of new games announcements that characterise every E3 is very exciting, isn’t it?
Well damn you because it’s Monday and we don’t like Mondays so we’re buggered if we’re going to let you sit there and be all excited and happy while we stare into the dregs of our coffee mugs pondering how exactly we are to end the suffering once and for all.
That’s why we’ve compiled a list of games that most of us have forgotten. Games that maybe someone, somewhere once thought “yeah, I quite fancy that”. Who knows, maybe some of you even went out and bought them… only for the experience to evacuate their consciousness completely upon completion in much the same way that a dodgy chicken phall might exit one’s innards the morning after
Let this be a reminder – not all games deliver on their promises. Happy Monday!
Band Hero (Activision)
What actually distinguished Band Hero from Guitar Hero, because surely that also featured bands? We’re not even interested enough to look it up on Wikipedia.
This actually wasn’t too bad. It wasn’t especially good either, of course. And Vin Diesel remains an incredibly stupid name.
This was the game was going to kill off SingStar, remember? Of course you don’t. SingStar, meanwhile, continues to make plenty of cash.
Wii Music (Nintendo)
Even the mighty Miyamoto can hurl out a stinker from time to time.
The Saboteur (EA)
Sort of alrightish open-world war game thing where you hid and stuff. We think.
Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard (D3 Publisher)
Great idea. Woeful, woeful execution.
A success on not one single level. Next?
Dante's Inferno (EA)
This was alright, y’know. In an alternative universe where God of War didn’t exist this got four sequels.
There’s actually no excuse for games that are this poor in this day and age.
BlackSite: Area 51 (Midway)
Again, kind of okayish in a sort of B-movie low-expectations kind of way.
Ninja Blade (Microsoft)
A rip-off of the already not that amazing Ninja Gaiden.
Good idea, thoroughly underwhelming execution. Had its visual flair focus-grouped to death.
Splatterhouse (Namco Bandai)
The relaunch that no-one ever, ever asked for.
Tony Hawk: Shred (Activision)
It takes quite something to kill off one of gaming’s real powerhouse IPs.
Shadows of the Damned (EA)
Some people will tell you this was really good. Mind you, lots of people will tell you the live-action Transformers films are really good.
Has any game ever promised so much and delivered so little? Hint – the answer is ‘no’.
Tom Clancy: End War (Ubisoft)
This had voice control and everything.
Lost Odyssey (Microsoft)
This was one of the games that was going to help Microsoft conquer Japan. Spoiler – Xbox never conquered Japan.
No idea what this is.
The Club (Sega)
This, on the other hand, was great. Why did none of you buy it?
Deserts and bikes and sandstorms and stuff.
You're in the Movies (Microsoft)
A fitting punishment for those who were ever enthusiastic about Kinect.
Let's Tap (Sega)
A game that came with cardboard boxes. True story.
Dark Sector (D3 Publisher)
We’ll admit that visually it looked OK.
Clive Barker's Jericho (Codemasters)
A decent enough idea ruined by a thoroughly poor game.
Age of Conan (Eidos)
Swords. And boobs, if you’re into that sort of thing.
Viking: Battle for Asgard (Sega)
Proof that even the best developers can have an off day.
Gave the word ‘generic’ a bad name.
Alone in the Dark (Atari)
So bad it was almost great. But actually wasn’t.
Blue Dragon (Microsoft)
Another one of Xbox 360’s failed attempts at winning Japan.
Great idea but thoroughly underwhelming in every single way.
Something about digital elephants?
If nothing else some of the marketing artwork was lovely.
Velvet Assassin (SouthPeak)
Stylish, certainly, but sadly just not much fun to play.
LEGO Rock Band (Warner)
Yes, this existed. No, you didn’t miss anything.
Dark Void (Capcom)
Again, some really lovely artwork for this. Really lovely. Artwork.
Just in case You’re In The Movies wasn’t quite abhorrent enough for you.
Turning Point: Fall of Liberty (Codemasters)
There’s a reason why COdemasters sticks to racing nowadays.
Hunted: The Demon's Forge (Bethesda)
Honestly, we have absolutely no idea.
Yeah, this was OK. Played nice. And stuff.
Did anyone ever capture and shoot that guy who camped out to get this first?
The perfect game for all those Microsoft tabletop computer thingy owner people.
Section 8 (SouthPeak)
Take one FPS, remove any hint of personality and voila!
If one thing wasn’t the problem with Wet it was the female protagonist.
Battalion Wars 2 (Nintendo)
Really quite alarmingly poor.
Excite Truck (Nintendo)
One member of the MCV team reviewed this and gave it a 10/10. A TEN OUT OF TEN!
Little King's Story (Rising Star Game)
Cute. But cute counts for shit.
Binary Domain (Sega)
Not bad at all. In fact, slap a Terminator badge on it and it might have done OK.
You see what we did there?