Top Ten this, Top Ten that. Seriously, who gives a toss? Let’s just cut to the chase.
2012 has been an eventful year for cats in games. There have been some tremendous feline highs and some painful puddy tat lows. Here MCV will highlight some of the top felis catus’ to grace our consoles and PCs this year – and also cry foul those who should have put in a bit more bloody effort and put some sodding cats in their rubbish games.
1. Tokyo Jungle
For want of a better description, there were shit loads of cats on Tokyo Jungle and this is something we approve of. You also get to play as the cats and breed other, better cats that can rule Tokyo. The cats also get to beat up dogs. You can even download a cat from the PlayStation Store. Everything about this is brilliant. It should have been called Tokyo Cat Jungle really.
Cat rating: 10/10 – Shit loads of cats
2. Far Cry 3
The cats of Far Cry 3 are not to be messed with. We’re talking leopards and tigers here, incidentally. And they will kill you for encroaching on their turf. They can also take several bullets without it even bothering them because they are so tough. We only discovered recently that tigers are the largest cats and not lions. A misconception born from the lion’s depiction as the king of the jungle, apparently.
Cat rating: 9/10 – Double ‘ard cats
3. Batman: Arkham City Armored Edition – Catwoman
We could make a comment here about fancying Catwoman but we worry we’d be strung up and have our nipples tweaked with BBQ tongs if we did because it’s no longer permissible to say you find a women attractive without objectifying them. Disappointingly Catwoman does not have a special move where cats descend from the heavens and hiss your enemies to death or trip them up by getting under their feet.
Cat rating: 6/10 – Sexually provocative cats
4. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim – the Khajiit
The Khajiit is a beast race known for its natural ability and stealth in the world of Elder Scrolls, we understand. They are sort of like walking, talking cats that wear clothes. One of the office team described them as “the drug dealers of the Elder Scrolls world”. Something to do with moon sugar. Foolishly the game depicts them as a race not to be trusted, which is stupid. We’d always trust a cat. And anyone that moans that Skyrim came out in 2011 can do one.
Cat rating: 6/10 – Anthropomorphic cats
5. Tekken Tag Tournament 2 – King
When we used to play Tekken down the local laser quest in Basingstoke and we always used to play as King because we didn’t know anything about the characters but liked the fact he looked like a cat. In truth King could do better with his cat costume. A onesie is a minimum requirement in our mind. Apparently the character design was based on a wrestler which is stupid because it should have been based on a cat. A wrestling cat would be OK.
Cat rating: 5/10 – Cat costume is a bit half-arsed
6. Nintendo Land – Animal Crossing
The Animal Crossing mini-game in Nintendo’s Wii U launch game sees the holder of the GamePad control a cat and a dog chasing humans with a knife and fork. We’re very much in favour of cats chasing humans, particularly when they are holding cutlery. Why the dog is there we don’t know. It should have just been two cats really.
Cat rating: 4/10 – Too much dog
7. Andrew Lloyd Webber Musicals: Sing & Dance
In this game you can sing and dance to four tracks from the musical Cats. We don’t like musicals although we like Cats because it is called Cats. It’s not even called “The Cats of Bognor” or “Singing Cats Have a Party” or something. Just ‘Cats’. We bet Lloyd Webber owns a cat although we can’t find out because any Google search contain the words ‘lloyd webber’ and ‘cats’ just tells you about the musical called ‘cats’. Oh we just found out Lloyd Webber does own a cat called Ozzy.
Cat rating: 8/10 – Because the musical is called just Cats
We are yet to find a single cat in Dishonored. This upsets us. But it upsets us all the more because of the terrible rat problem in Dunwall. The pesky gits are everywhere. A cat or two would sort that right out. The cat pictured at the top of this story (Dave) is an excellent hunter. He catches frogs, birds, mice and rats. He should have been the star of Dishonored. And he can blink. He does it all the time when he's on his back wanting his tummy rubbed looking up at us. We're not sure if he can slow down time. It's not like we'd notice, is it?
Cat rating: 0/10 – Desperately needs a lot more cats
9. Sleeping Dogs
We don’t mind dogs when they are asleep because when they’re asleep they’re not jumping in puddles and shaking the dirty water onto our carpet or sniffing our crotch. Cats don’t do that. Cats avoid the water and we’ve never had a cat sniff our crotch, even when we haven’t washed for a few days because we’ve been at a festival or something.
Cat rating: 1/10 – Because at least it has the word ‘dog’ in the title and that makes us think of cats
10. Curiosity: What’s Inside the Cube?
Peter Molyneux has been banging on about what’s inside the poxy Cube for ages now and surely he must know that after this long wait the only thing that won’t disappoint us is if a cat is hiding in the middle. Cats are life-changing too so it makes sense anyway. Before you own a cat animals don’t crap in your bath or leave half-chewed animal carcasses in your living room. After you own a cat animals do crap in your bath and leave half-chewed animal carcasses in your living room. And they make you poorer because cat food and vet bills are really expensive. And silly people have to pay for cat toys on their birthdays or Christmas.
Cat rating: 10/10 Because we’re almost certain it has something to do with cats and if it doesn’t we won’t buy Godus